Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
