Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
