just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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