My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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