It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
