She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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