he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
