Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
