low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
