...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize