Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
