is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
