I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
