Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Randomize
