: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
