I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
third nipple confirmed
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
