I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
