I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
