Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She is in my trunk
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
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