I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
