Apparently you make a good broom.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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