I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I think I just sharted jello shots
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