I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
