C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
