she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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