It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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