Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
