I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
