i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Randomize
