there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
