those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
