I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
