i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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