hotel room ftw
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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