The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
