if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
