In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
