Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize