I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
