I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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