So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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