New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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