I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
be right there i have to get my cape
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
