My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize