The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
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