Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
