Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
