why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
