The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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