Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
