The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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