I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Too much gin, very little bucket
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Randomize
