Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
