She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
