every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
