he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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