I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
