Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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